Two fish walk into a bar, one fish says to the other, "Christ I'm thirsty!"





Sorry.

Jack the Lad, the boy racer, thought he'd cracked it with the ladies; he bought himself a "pick-up" truck

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman says "That's a nice newt. What's his name?" The man says "Tiny". The barman says "Why do you call him Tiny?". "Because", he replies, "he's my newt."

GIRL'S DIARY
Sunday 11th May 2003.

Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.

BOY'S DIARY
Sunday 11th May 2003.

West Ham were relegated today. Gutted. Got a **** though.

Read about the 90 year old who asked her new doctor for a repeat prescription ?
. He noticed she'd been prescribed the pill for the last few years and asked her why. She said it made her sleep .
"They wont make any difference to your sleep"he said.
"Oh yes it will" she replied, " I have a granddaughter who goes out at nights , so every morning I crush one tablet into her orange juice, then I can sleep at night"

a man walked into a bar.......OUCH










sorry i need mental

A man went to the doctor

. Man to Doctor...."When I get up in the morning I feel really dizzy for half an hour and then I'm o.k. What shall I do Doc?"

Doctor to man....."I should try getting up half an hour later if I were you"

I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people all throughout the world.



I told them to F- off!!


Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

my next door neighbour has wore a toupee for five yrs and after a week his wife washes it and puts it on the line to dry,anyway yesterday somebody pinched it off the line so he couldnt go out.

police are combing the area

The Irish Banker's Accounting Committee has announced some new accounting Acronyms:

EBITDA = Earnings Before I Tricked The Dumb Auditor
EBIT = Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering
CEO = Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO = Corporate Fraud Officer
NAV = Normal Andersen Valuation
EPS = Eventual Prison Sentence

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789.

Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter rubbish.

I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling...

All she gave up was sex.

Ohh, err.......sorry.

While at dinner party, a man breaks wind.

Another man says “How dare you fart in front of my wife”.

First man says “Sorry, I didn’t realise it was her turn”.

That's wicked!