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One liners
https://warwickshireonline.com/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=3933		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  cathidaw [ Wed Sep 12, 2012 11:09 pm ]
Post subject:  One liners
>a FEW TO START OFF WITH.These were sent to me by a friend.
I never can remember jokes.Always get the punchline wrong
.......................................................................................
>
> The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum
> cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
>
> A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid but when
> I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
> standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
> Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to
> myself, they've lost the plot!!
>
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
> local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get
> one
> cheaper off the web.
>
> I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
> her balance, so I pushed her over.
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was
> sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
> that guy's heading for a breakdown.
>
>
> My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe
> that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
>
> Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "Bugger that!"
> says
> Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
>
> I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she
> was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
>
> My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
> girlfriend yet.
>
> A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking
> behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."
>
> I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
> reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she
> would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
>
> The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
> worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
>
> Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
> Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
>
> Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
> stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on
> her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
>
> They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham ,
> Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London :
> Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
>
> The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when
> she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
> I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
>
> When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
> wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
> What
> a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the
> bloody thing!
>
> Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
> people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
> following some kind of pattern.
>
> Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat
> it!
>
> A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
> when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry
> and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and
> says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their
> pick nicked."
>
> Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin' to an envelope for?" "I'm sending
> a voicemail, ya thick sod!"
>
> Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head
> with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
>
> 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
> Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
>
> An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum
> with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as
> no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
>
>
Author:  rebbonk [ Thu Sep 13, 2012 6:17 am ]
Post subject: 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.
Author:  rebbonk [ Thu Sep 13, 2012 6:19 am ]
Post subject: 
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Author:  rebbonk [ Thu Sep 13, 2012 6:19 am ]
Post subject: 
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Author:  cathidaw [ Thu Sep 13, 2012 10:32 pm ]
Post subject: 
Supposedly.....! !.
What's your kind of humour?
Author:  rebbonk [ Mon Sep 17, 2012 7:47 am ]
Post subject: 
A termite walks into a bar and says "where's the bar tender?"
Author:  Lex [ Mon Sep 17, 2012 4:07 pm ]
Post subject: 
I used to wonder why a frizbee got bigger the closer it got.
Then it hit me.
Author:  Shizara [ Tue Sep 25, 2012 6:42 pm ]
Post subject: 
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Author:  Gladys [ Thu Sep 27, 2012 1:42 pm ]
Post subject: 
From the programme '' Mr Khan '' To Dave the Imam as they attend an AGM of the Mosque. ' AGM doesn't stand for Annual Ginger Meeting, you know Dave.' For those who haven't seen it Dave is a white muslim and has ginger or red hair.

This week his daughter asks him ' have you ever Googled yourself?' he replies ' once when I put my pyjamas on back to front.'
Author:  rebbonk [ Sat Sep 29, 2012 7:14 am ]
Post subject: 
My wife has just run away with my next door neighbour....

Do you know, I'm really going to miss him!
Author:  rebbonk [ Sat Sep 29, 2012 7:19 am ]
Post subject: 
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Author:  rebbonk [ Sat Sep 29, 2012 7:21 am ]
Post subject: 
I've decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don't know what I will do on Tuesday though.
Author:  rebbonk [ Sat Sep 29, 2012 7:23 am ]
Post subject: 
I bought my wife some of that "volume control" shampoo.

Doesn't work, I can still hear her.
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