I bought my wife some of that "volume control" shampoo.

Doesn't work, I can still hear her.

I've decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don't know what I will do on Tuesday though.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

My wife has just run away with my next door neighbour....

Do you know, I'm really going to miss him!

From the programme '' Mr Khan '' To Dave the Imam as they attend an AGM of the Mosque. ' AGM doesn't stand for Annual Ginger Meeting, you know Dave.' For those who haven't seen it Dave is a white muslim and has ginger or red hair.

This week his daughter asks him ' have you ever Googled yourself?' he replies ' once when I put my pyjamas on back to front.'

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

I used to wonder why a frizbee got bigger the closer it got.
Then it hit me.

A termite walks into a bar and says "where's the bar tender?"

Supposedly.....! !.
What's your kind of humour?

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.

>a FEW TO START OFF WITH.These were sent to me by a friend.
I never can remember jokes.Always get the punchline wrong
.......................................................................................
>
> The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum
> cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
>
> A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid but when
> I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
> standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
> Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to
> myself, they've lost the plot!!
>
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
> local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get
> one
> cheaper off the web.
>
> I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
> her balance, so I pushed her over.
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was
> sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
> that guy's heading for a breakdown.
>
>
> My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe
> that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
>
> Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "Bugger that!"
> says
> Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
>
> I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she
> was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
>
> My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
> girlfriend yet.
>
> A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking
> behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."
>
> I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
> reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she
> would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
>
> The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
> worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
>
> Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
> Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
>
> Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
> stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on
> her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
>
> They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham ,
> Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London :
> Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
>
> The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when
> she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
> I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
>
> When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
> wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
> What
> a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the
> bloody thing!
>
> Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
> people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
> following some kind of pattern.
>
> Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat
> it!
>
> A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
> when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry
> and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and
> says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their
> pick nicked."
>
> Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin' to an envelope for?" "I'm sending
> a voicemail, ya thick sod!"
>
> Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head
> with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
>
> 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
> Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
>
> An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum
> with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as
> no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
>
>